Category: Parenthood

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Valentine’s Day Gift

Ever think about how you don’t need help getting into trouble? Ever notice how you don’t need to teach kids to do bad stuff? For example, did you show them how to lie, or did they just kind of figure that one out on their own?

My son has told us some lies before. These were like, blatant, totally unprompted lies. He’s a little more slick about it these days, but when he was just a little guy, he once said “I don’t have anything in my mouth” after he got into a bag of chips without our permission. His mouth was…you guessed it…full of chips! On another occasion he was supposed to be up in his room napping. When he came down, without us saying anything, he told us “I wasn’t looking out the window.”

Dude, at least make it hard for us.

Most of the time instructions and laws seem to be phrased in negative terms. “Don’t lie.” “Don’t cheat.” It’s much more rare to have laws that are positive in nature. Most of the Ten Commandments are the same way. Only two of them are phrased in the positive (remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy; respect your father and mother).

Elsewhere in the Bible God gives other instructions. Sometimes He says stuff that’s intuitive or obvious. Other times He tells us stuff that maybe we’ve heard or read a few times, but we still miss it even though it’s something we ought to know and need some help learning.

Valentine’s Day presents the opportunity to reflect on one such instruction.

In many marriages, you can ask the husband “does your wife love you?” Often he’ll answer “well, yeah, sure she does.” Probe a little further, though, and you might identify a problem. “Does she respect you?” The answer probably doesn’t come as quickly, and if he doesn’t feel as though his wife respects him, there could be an issue.

Hang on though, guys, ‘cuz you’re not perfect, either. Stick with me, there’s a Biblical basis for this. The opposite is often true for wives. She might feel sufficiently respected, but she might not quite feel loved. (There’s a difference between knowing you’re loved and feeling that you’re loved.)

Regardless of whether you’re a male or female breadwinner, “working all day just to put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads” is great, but isn’t the only thing your significant other needs from you.

If either one isn’t getting what they need, that person is running at an emotional deficit. Wives, maybe you respect your husbands, but he may not feel it. Husbands, of course you love your wives, but you need to make her know it and believe it. For everybody…your spouse needs what they need; just because you don’t feel like you require extra love/respect doesn’t mean they can go without it. Don’t cut them off from what they need just because you look at them through the prism of you.

Take a look at the book of Ephesians. In chapter 5, God tells us (in positive verbiage) what to do. He doesn’t give us a “don’t,” he gives us a “do.” These days the first part is easy to misconstrue as being outdated and part of the “toxic masculinity” you hear about in men’s razor commercials. Don’t twist it; read the whole thing. Right on the heels of talking about how to live with and treat other Christians, the author turns his attention to household relationships in verses 22-33.

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might [g]sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body, [h]of His flesh and of His bones. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Note how it doesn’t say “husbands, respect your wives,” or “wives, love your husbands.” Why not? Because most of the time, those things aren’t the shortfalls. We’re probably already doing them. This passage guides us to do something that doesn’t come naturally.

There’s a whole study on this topic called “Love and Respect” by Emerson Eggerichs. I’ve never read the book, but the DVD series was phenomenal. “Pink and Blue…not wrong…just different.” Great stuff for a small group setting or Sunday School class.

If you haven’t been offering what your spouse needs, and then you start providing it, watch how powerful an agent it can be. Flowers and chocolates are great and all, but how about this year, you make a concerted effort to deliver what your spouse or significant other really needs?

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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A Temporary or a Lasting Peace?

Our youngest child is at the stage where she still has bad dreams fairly often. She wakes up crying during the night, and my wonderful wife usually goes running into her room to try to settle her down before she wakes up anyone else in the house.

A few mornings ago my daughter woke up crying. I was already awake, laying in bed, when I heard the cry begin. I jumped out of bed before my wife started stirring, trying to return the favor. I went into my daughter’s room and told her “Daddy’s here now.” I brushed her hair out of her face, rubbed her shoulder, and kissed her cheek. She calmed down and we prayed, but she wasn’t settled. I stayed with her a little bit longer, and then went back to bed.

Laying there for a bit, it wasn’t long before I heard her little feet came walking into our room. But she didn’t come walking over to my side. She made a beeline right for Mommy. My wife talked and cuddled with her a little bit, then brought her back to bed and got her tucked and settled in, where she stayed for the rest of the night.

How many of us are like that? Whether we like to admit it or not, there’s a God-shaped hole in all of us. We’re restless until it’s filled. We try to fill the hole with different things…anything. For some it can be destructive things; alcohol, drugs, relationships that aren’t built to last, more serious types of crime, or even dark spiritual things. Others try to fill it with things that might be good, but don’t quite quench the thirst. Making more money, performing charity work, being very active in community groups, donating your time/energy/resources to civic or political causes you believe in, etc.

The problem is, those things are like Daddy trying to settle his daughter in for the night after a bad dream. They might serve as temporary solutions, but they don’t bring a peace that lasts.

To fill the God-shaped hole in your life, only Christ will satisfy.

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Why Would God Create People if He Knew They’d Let Him Down?

Photo courtesy of eBaum’s World

Kids are nuts.

If you don’t have kids, having one (or several) changes just about every aspect of your life. When you don’t have kids, you might not even think about it, but life can be amazingly simple. I’m not taking a shot at people without kids; I’m saying that if you don’t have kids and you want to walk out of the house and go somewhere, all you need to do is put on your shoes and leave. Doing the same thing with young kids can turn into a wrestling match, a drawn-out battle of wills, or a frustrating game of hide-and-seek that results in one of you (parents included) wearing mismatched shoes and only one sock as you walk out the door.

Kids can simultaneously be the sweetest and most frustrating people in the world. When my son was 3, he had a bad habit of coming downstairs after we had laid him down. Most of the time it would happen before my wife and I went to bed; we’d hear something that didn’t quite sound right. We’d mute the TV or stop whatever we were doing and say “What is it?” Almost always, our little guy would sheepishly stand up from sitting on the bottom step and come walking toward us, trying to see what was on the TV. It wasn’t always at night though; sometimes it was in the early morning. I usually get up long before everyone else in the house so I can beat a lot of the traffic on my way to work. One morning I heard him coming down the stairs when he was still expected to have a few more hours of sleep to go. Exasperated because I didn’t want my sleep-deprived wife to hear him and wake up, I walked over to the stairs and asked him in a sharp tone “what are you doing?” At that age he had trouble pronouncing his “L” sounds and would have lots of pauses in his sentences. My little guy looked anxiously at me with a furrowed brow and nervously said “Umm, I just…wanted to tew you…to have a good…day…at work.”

Imagine how badly I wanted to melt right into the floor.

You can often tell what kind of environment kids spend their time in by listening to the things they say. We’ve told our kids many times that we love them no matter what. When they’re still a little too young to make total sense of everything, they start to say it back to you in their own little way: “Mom? Dad? Did you know that I love you even when you’re bad?”

Kids bring so many crazy moments to your life. I’ve received bloody noses from little elbows. They break stuff that you really didn’t want broken. They seem to know the difference between when you’re prepared and when you don’t have an extra diaper or outfit for them. They’re sick and have stuff oozing out of every hole in their heads for the first two years of their lives. Their “help” with something you’re doing actually makes it more difficult. I’ve been in a totally dark house after everyone’s bedtime, then went to open my bedroom door only to jump out of my skin when I saw a toddler standing on the other side of the door, holding a stuffed animal and staring up at me with big eyes.

They’re messy, expensive, and suck the energy out of your body. They make your hair gray (or thin). Why in the world would anyone ever CHOOSE to have children?

You can’t explain why, but after you’ve had them, you know you wouldn’t trade it for anything.

It’s the time they spend with you and the love they have for you. It’s the times you get down on the floor and they use you as a jungle gym. It’s the way they shriek “Daddyyyyyyyyy!” and come running to hug you when you come home from work. It’s the way they cling tightly to you when you wade into water that’s deeper than what they’re used to. After you’ve disciplined them and they come and just want you to hold them as they sit crying, broken, and sorry, you want to squeeze them back and wipe their tears away, sometimes blinking back tears of your own in the process.

When I hear people ask “Why would God create humans if He knew they would let Him down?”, these are the things that come to mind. Like children, we are deeply flawed and are prone to do things our Heavenly Father doesn’t want us to do. Again and again, we fail to meet the standards set before us. We are stubborn and take forever to learn the lesson that’s being taught to us, sometimes even intentionally.

At the same time though, we are the source of tremendous joy to Him. When His children want to spend time with Him and seek a deeper relationship with Him, it brings Him colossal happiness. We all mess up again and again, but when we come to Him, broken and sorry, He holds us gladly while blinking back tears of His own. He doesn’t need anything from us, but He’s thrilled when we pursue Him.

This is a difficult time of year for many people, and maybe that includes you. You’ve almost certainly heard this before, but God loves you. Just in case those words have lost their meaning, I’ll say it another way: God really likes you. You’re loved, and you’re loved hard.

There’s a battle going on out there. You may not think of it in those terms, but that’s what it is. Christ came to offer salvation to everyone. The enemy didn’t like that, so he’s doing everything he can to prevent people from hearing about or accepting that gift. God created you to be a part of that fight, but the enemy’s going to try everything he can to demoralize, distract, discourage, and deceive you.

You have it within you to do amazing things for God’s glory that you dare not even think possible. Let me tell you…it can be done. There’s going to come a time where He calls on you to do something you’re not comfortable doing. He can and will empower you to do things you can’t do on your own, and it will surprise you what He can do through you.

For now, just know that like a child who knows Mom or Dad truly has their best interests at heart, it all starts with being confident and secure in your Heavenly Father’s love for you.

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Ask Me

It’s funny how much parenthood can teach you about Christ’s relationship with us. I’ve got three kiddos under 10, and it’s been fun to watch them develop and learn as they grow.

Of course, parenthood has its exhausting moments. I have to credit my wife with doing the heavy lifting. Anytime there’s a bad dream or an injury, they don’t come looking for me unless Mommy’s unavailable (and even then, sometimes they’ll just wait for her rather than come to me). I can have one sitting on each of my knees, be hugging the third, and have all of them crying, but all of them will want Mommy.

But anyway…my wife and I found ourselves repeating the same things many times as our kids were very young. “Eat what you have, then ask for more.” “Obey first, then ask questions.” “Slow obeying is disobeying.” Some day, when our kids get old enough to do impressions of us, these are the maxims that I’m sure they’ll use.

It’s funny, though, to watch kids get a little more slick as they grow. Sometimes they wanted something, but they didn’t want to come out and ask for it. Instead, they might just throw out an unprovoked comment. “I wish we could have a snack pretty soon.” “It would sure be fun to watch a show right now.” “If you asked me if I wanted more milk, I would say yes, because my glass is almost empty.” My wife and I thought this was kind of fun to see, but we also wanted them to learn that it was okay to ask questions. One of the common sayings we had was “So…do you have a question?” They caught on pretty quickly that if they wanted something, they couldn’t just “wish out loud” about it; they needed to ask us (and the word “please” had better be a part of that question). Sometimes the answer would be yes, other times it would be no, but their chances of success would be much higher if they actually asked.

Going back to what I said earlier about parenthood teaching you about Christ’s relationship with us…God wants us to ask Him, too. The most blatant example I can think of comes from Luke 18:39-43. A blind beggar heard that Jesus was passing by, so he started yelling to get Jesus’ attention. When bystanders started shushing him, he only got louder. Then Jesus had the blind man brought to Him. What Jesus asked next is a little bit mind-numbing. “What do you want me to do for you?”

What kind of a question is that?! The guy is BLIND! This wasn’t like being blind today, where you can receive an education or get a job despite being visually impaired. Back then it’s not like there were specialized accommodations like Braille signs and traffic signals that made noise when it’s safe to cross the street. Blind people back then couldn’t get work. They had to beg, and they relied on whatever they received. If nobody gave them anything, they didn’t have anything. Christ knew exactly what the guy wanted, but He wanted the beggar to ask for it. He wanted him to articulate it, to express it, to say it out loud. It was perfectly obvious that the beggar had faith in Christ, but without him articulating his request, his chances of getting what he wanted were much lower.

Without ego, without hesitation, without any kind of pretense, he told Christ exactly what he wanted. “I want to see!” Verse 42 makes it clear that this beggar’s faith worked in his favor. Christ healed him; he immediately received his sight, and everyone that witnessed it gave glory to God.

When we pray, we must ask with thankfulness and with faith. Ever since the temple curtain tore in two, we have direct access to God. We no longer have to go through a priest or some other intermediary. You can talk directlyto your savior.

What are you asking for when you pray? Are you asking for mighty and impossible things? I once heard a preacher say something to the effect of “we can boldly approach the creator of the universe, who waits with His hand cupped behind his ear to hear our requests. What do we ask? ‘Dear God, watch over the parakeet and water the grass.'”

I love the mental imagery that this same preacher goes on to convey. When you pray, ask God for things that are so big…so impossible, that when He hears you, God slides forward in his throne, elbows an angel, points at you, and says “did you hear THAT?!”

He’s waiting for you to ask Him. You’re invited to live a life of daring and greatness on His behalf. So…do you have a question?

A little motivation (I’m more interested in the audio than the video)…

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Proud Papa

I have the honor and privilege of being the dad of three great kids. One of the most exciting times as a parent of young kids is when they’re learning to walk. A lot of times you can see it coming; they get really good at scooting around on the floor, but they start pulling themselves up and standing next to a couch or a chair on a more regular basis. It’s fun to watch as they start to “accidentally” learn. They pull themselves up, then get distracted as they find a toy sitting on the couch. They grab the toy with both hands and start chewing on it, forgetting that they had been relying on the couch for balance. Without realizing it, they’re standing unassisted, happily chewing on something.

Then they realize that they’re not holding onto anything. The reaction can be priceless. Sometimes they freak out and fall down right away, sometimes they grab onto the couch, and other times they simply squat down and sit on the floor.

Usually a few weeks after that they’re learning to walk. It’s so much fun to watch! It starts out with them again holding onto something and taking those first few tentative steps along a couch to reach a toy on the other end, for example. Before long they’re starting to do it without holding onto anything. They’re learning and becoming more capable without even realizing it.

It gets fun when you sit on a chair across the room and you encourage them to walk to you. I’ve learned, though, that if you lean back in your chair, it looks farther away to them, and they’ll look at you and decide it’s too far, so they’ll just drop to the floor and crawl to you rather than try to walk. Instead you sit on the very edge of your seat, with arms outstretched as far as you can reach toward them. When you appear that much closer, they happily leave the safety of that couch and take a few shaky steps toward you. Early in their walking experience you have to be very close, because they don’t have the ability to go all that far. As they get better at it, you can begin slowly withdrawing from them as they step toward you because you know they can handle the challenge, and you also know that they wouldn’t have bothered to try walking to you if they actually knew how far they’d have to end up walking.

It’s such a joyful experience to watch their drooly little faces as they keep stepping your way. Sometimes they realize what’s happening and lose focus, either out of fear or because they get distracted, and they fall to the floor. This happens a lot in those first few tries! They get better at it though, and soon you’re holding your breath as they get closer and closer, walking almost all the way across the room. You want to say to them “you’re doing it!” but you’re afraid to say it out loud because if they realize what’s happening, they might fall again. Sometimes they make it almost all the way to you and either get tired or just plain give up and squat down. I know that when I see them do that, the competitive drive in me makes me want to say “Oh, MAN! You almost had it! If only you’d have focused just a little bit longer!”

This whole experience must have been what Jesus felt when Peter jumped out of the boat and started walking on water to Him. Based off the fatherly perspective I just covered, I would imagine Jesus’s eyes welling up a little bit and having to bite his lower lip as one of His students grabbed the chance to shine. I imagine that as He watched Peter begin doing something nobody should have been able to do on their own, Jesus screamed on the inside of His head “You’re doing it!”

Of course Peter looked around at what was happening. He saw what the wind and the waves were doing, and got scared. He took his eye off Jesus and started sinking. As He cried out for help, Jesus grabbed his hand without hesitation. “You of little faith. Why did you doubt?” That’s what He said, but maybe He was thinking “Oh MAN! You almost had it! If only you’d have focused just a little bit longer!”

Can you imagine what Peter must have felt? The exhilaration of reflecting on what he had done. The disappointment of having almost done more.

In your life, if you are a Christian, you have the same power living within you. In this life you’re most likely not going to get the opportunity to walk on water, but you may be aware of a lesson that Christ has been teaching you lately. You have the capability, but maybe not the drive. Like the parent of a young child learning to walk, Jesus might be watching you and thinking “C’mon, I know you can do it. Try it again.”

Don’t be afraid. It’s time to give it another shot.