(If you’ve got an extra minute or two, have a read over the diary entry below. If not, feel free to skip it.)
We’ve all got quirks. They start when we’re young, but they don’t always resolve themselves as we get older (sometimes they become magnified). I think this becomes most evident in long-term relationships.
My wife and I have been married for over 17 years now. We definitely have quirks of our own. Some of them are stereotypical for men and women, others are maybe more specific to us as individuals. By way of example, if I’m looking for something specific in the refrigerator, I can open the door and turn the fridge upside down trying to find it, even looking right at it multiple times, and still not see it. Then my wife comes along and with a “seriously?!” expression, homes in on it in under a second and a half. At the same time, she can have a song in mind, and it sounds just like the real thing inside her head, but when she tries to hum it, no matter what it is, it always comes out sounding like Smooth Criminal.
I’m blessed to have a spouse that’s pretty easy for me to be married to. Even so, we have to deal with differences of opinion, different perspectives, and quirks in general. She’s very patient and polite when I hear a random voice inflection or odd combination of words or music notes that somehow reminds me of a movie scene from my childhood, or some bizarre scenario reminds me of a Calvin & Hobbes comic strip, and then I take an unreasonable amount of time to provide the context and summary of that scene or comic, which ends up being pretty unremarkable.
While not true in all cases, by and large, men tend to have a more compartmentalized mental arrangement as they go about their day. If you could peek inside our brains, you might see our conscious focus addressing only one thing at a time. There’s the wakeup routine. Then comes the commute. Then he’s at work, thinking about work stuff. Afterwards he has to run errands on the way home. All of those things tend to stay within their respective zones without much bleedover unless some sort of unusual circumstance affects things. My mind works this way most of the time, and is very helpful when it’s time to put certain things on hold. When I leave work, it’s time to stop thinking about work. When it’s time to sleep, I stop thinking about stuff and I’m usually out within two minutes of closing my eyes.
Women, on the other hand (again, not in every case, but more often than not), have “spaghetti brains.” There are no different sections of the brain that conscious thought is split into. It is literally everything, everywhere, all at the same time. There are individual lines of thought that touch on wildly vacillating topics. One may lead to the next, but they may just as easily have nothing to do with each other. All of the following thoughts can occur within the same minute: “Where did I put that thingy I don’t need anymore?” “I can’t believe Charlotte thought I took her yellow sweater in 7th grade; I should look her up and see if she’s sorry.” “Puppies!” “Don’t forget to pick up snacks for the kids’ soccer team.” “LAUNDRY.” “I’d eat a bug if they let me sleep in tomorrow.” “My bra hates me.” “Lose weight, lose wei…CANDY!” “Children are a gift of joy wrapped in toil.” “Organize 1,087,017 pictures into a slide show.” “The check engine light came on.” It’s a constant barrage of swirling and churning thoughts that would bring me to my knees. My wife and I can go to bed at the same time, but she’ll be awake much longer than I am because a lot of those thoughts need to fizzle out before sleep comes.
You can imagine that the communication styles of these two vastly different brain structures also require some give and take. I can do some multitasking, but I prefer to focus on one thing at a time. If I have an idea about something else while I’m working on my main task, I write down the other thing or email it to myself, so that I can focus harder on it when I have an opportunity. In conversations, I look for transitions to help prompt me that we’re moving on from one topic to a different one. I find that sometimes I’m ill-equipped to handle my wife’s communication needs. She can unleash a conversational stream of consciousness that I can’t possibly follow along with, covering a myriad of topics in a single breath. I struggle to see the connection between the different topics we’re zooming through. If I had a video of myself trying to keep up, I think I’d see myself listening with one eye squinted shut tight and the other bugging out of my head as I try to hang on just a little bit longer. Yet this conversational style is effortless when she’s among her sisters or close friends, while us brothers-in-law/husbands use about a fifth of the words they do (on a good day) and just kind of nod periodically.
These are some fun examples, but they’re meant to help illustrate the following point. We are different, and while sometimes those differences are great, other times those differences drive us nuts. Humans in general are hard to get along with, much less live with. Even so, God put a whole bunch of us here. A lot of the Bible is about how to get along with other people. Marriages are the basics for family life. I understand that not everyone is blessed to have two parents married to one another, but that’s what God intended. Those marriages require work, and they often require grace.
Our culture today says that you should be you-focused. “Do what makes you happy! You deserve it!” In reality, marriages are “we-focused.” You’re a team, and teams need to work together to move forward. You’re not perfect, and your spouse isn’t perfect. That’s why you both need to extend some grace and flexibility. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it in the long run.
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:2