Category: Parenthood

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I Hear What You’re Saying, But…

If I told you I’m a parent, you’d probably believe me, but it’s not the same thing as seeing evidence that I’m a parent.

I came home from work one day and saw a Frisbee on the roof over our garage. We often have misspelled words and stick figures drawn in different colors of chalk on our driveway or sidewalk. In the summertime I often see little bits of broken water balloons on our porch. Inside the house, the living room is seldom “all the way” cleaned up, even if we tell the kids to make it “Mommy and Daddy mode.”

We have kids, and there are signs of them everywhere. (It’s unquestionably a good thing, even though sometimes there are a few too many signs.)

These things, in and of themselves, are not proof that I’m a parent. To an observer though, these signs make the notion a lot more believable.

There’s something similar when it comes to Christianity. If you claim to be a Christian, yet you haven’t changed at all from the way you were before joining the faith, something’s probably not quite right.

Galations 5:22-23 describes the qualities that a Christian will develop over time. The author’s not saying that only a Christian could have these qualities, but, in the same way that the Frisbee on my roof is probably there because of a kid rather than an adult, a Christian’s life will contain signs, indicators, or evidence of the faith they’re claiming.

When someone accepts Christ, at that moment the Holy Spirit sets up shop in that person’s life. What does that mean? It means that from that moment on, God starts working on changing your attitude to be more like His. I heard someone say once that God accepts you for who you are, but He loves you too much to leave you that way.

My mom used to have a tee shirt with a three-by-three grid on it. Inside each box was a picture of some kind of fruit, but instead of labeling them “grapes” or “watermelon,” they’d say things like “patience” and “self control.” These nine things (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control) collectively make up what the Bible calls “the fruit of the Spirit.”

Having these fruits is not something that happens quickly. Fruit takes a long time to grow. You can’t put in a weekend of intensive Bible reading and prayer and have these things spring forth in your life; it takes time. The outcome of being a Christian and continuously pursuing a relationship with Christ is a life that is characterized by these nine fruits.

Consider taking a closer look at these traits. Is there one (or several) that you’d like to develop or increase in your walk with Christ?

Happy birthday Mom! Love ya!

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Worrywarts

I’ve got three kids. It’s fun to watch them grow, figure stuff out, and then teach each other the things they’ve picked up over time.

My older two have figured out that when they’re scared of doing something, whether it’s go down in the basement or knock on a neighbor’s door, it’s usually not as bad if they take someone along with them. As a result, their little sister often ends up going down in the basement or knocking on a neighbor’s door along with them.

Taking it a step further, the two older kids are downright brave if they’re watching out for their little sister, even if it’s something that ordinarily gives them the willies.

Ever notice how you tend to be more brave if you’re watching out for someone? You can more easily pull yourself together in a bad situation when someone else depends on you. When someone else relies on you, it takes you out of yourself, and you can rise above your fears.

There are a lot of very anxious people out there these days. If you’re one of them, the first thing I’d probably recommend is to ease back on the amount of news coverage you take in. News reports aren’t known for their soothing nature. Beyond that, though, consider mentoring someone or helping them through the unique circumstances in which we now find ourselves. If you’re focused on helping someone else get through a difficult time, you spend less time worrying about how you are going to make it.

Don’t get me wrong, take care of yourself first. What I’m talking about is the extra time and energy you might waste worrying. I’ve heard it said that worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair; it gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.

If you’re prone to excess worry, take a look around and see who you can help settle. It’s going to be okay, but in order for some folks to believe that, they might need to hear it from you.

Hang in there, we’re going to get through this.

New posts every Thursday on daregreatlynow.com

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It’s All About Perspective

(Programming note: In observance of the Thanksgiving holiday, I’m switching up this week’s posting schedule. Next week will be back to Thursday.)

When my kids were very young, like a lot of kids, they were pretty self-centered. This wasn’t a surprise; when any child’s world is still very small, they naturally think of themselves as the center of the universe.

My wife and I found a way to start breaking them out of that thought process. Every night at bedtime, we started doing what we call “Thankful Hearts.” We’d each say a few things for which we were thankful. My wife and I started out with some examples. We might say something like “I’m thankful we had enough food to eat today, I’m thankful you didn’t get hurt worse when you fell down today, and I’m thankful our house is keeping us warm and dry while it’s rainy and cold outside.”

It took a little adjustment for them, but over time our kids began focusing less on their “I wants” and more on their “I already haves.” This roundabout way of counting their blessings helped our kids understand that it’s a special thing to have enough when others don’t. That type of security allows people to turn their focus outward; instead of our kids’ prayer requests sounding like a Christmas list for items they wanted for themselves, they soon began bringing their requests to God on behalf of the needs of others.

In a world where every commercial or advertisement you watch, read, or hear tries to convince you that what you already have is inadequate, it’s easy to become dissatisfied. That’s the goal of advertising. It’s also easy to get caught in the whole “keep up with the Joneses” mentality. Don’t forget though, especially as we head into Christmas season, to be thankful for the areas of your life where you already have “enough,” especially if you’re assured of your salvation through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Thankfulness of that eternal assurance allows you to be confident and enables you to turn your focus outward and share the good news with those who, in that sense, aren’t as blessed as you are.

I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing the praises of your name, O Most High. Psalm 9:1-2

Happy Thanksgiving!

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It’s Okay, He’s Got Me

Little kids are a hoot, man. Mine are all old enough to swim on their own at this point, but it’s fun to think about when they were younger and the things they’d do at the pool.

As a dad, one of the fun things to see is the trust your kids place in you. The pool is a place where the trust you’ve built with your kids becomes most evident. For a kiddo that’s 3 or 4 years old and doesn’t know how to swim yet, it’s a scary thing to walk to the edge of the pool and jump into water that might be too deep to stand in. It’s a big deal to jump off the side of the pool into Daddy’s arms! You look at them and you can almost see the wheels turning. It’s like they’re thinking “Daddy’s right there, but will he catch me if I jump?”

It’s so fun to stand in the pool, looking up at them, and say “go ahead, I’ll catch you,” and to see them think it over. I have three kids, so I’ve seen a few different reactions. There’s always some hesitation; sometimes it passes quickly and other times it takes some additional coaxing for them to commit to the jump.

It’s fun to watch their eyes, too. They look at my outstretched arms, gauging whether or not they think they can make it. Once they decide they think they can do it, they look me in the eyes, seeking assurance that I’m focused on them and will be there when they need me. My next move would be to give them a non-verbal green light. Sometimes it was a silent nod. Other times it was a big smile. With intense focus, they’d stick out their little tongue, crouch, and take a flying leap into Daddy’s arms.

It’s a simple, but beautiful picture. As the father to my children, I cherish that trust that we’ve developed together. They each placed so much trust in me that each one of them were willing to step outside their comfort zones to do something beyond what they could do on their own. Building trust is something that’s done over time, but can be shattered in an instant. As they each belly-flopped their way into my arms, it was so fun to join in their celebration with exclamations, smiles, and laughs. Almost right away they wanted to do it again, and then again. Building further on that trust, I was able to back farther away from the edge, or move into deeper water, and they’d be okay with making the leap because they knew. They knew “it’s okay, he’s got me.”

Your Heavenly Father takes pleasure in seeing you demonstrate your trust in Him, too. Nothing brings Him a smile quite like seeing His children trust Him and leap with both feet into the challenge He’s given to them. Like an earthly father, He coaxes the child according to what he or she needs. Maybe it’s a silent nod, a big smile, or in some cases, a push from behind.

Give Him an opportunity to build more trust with you. Summon up your courage and concentration, stick out your tongue, and take that flying leap. He’s got you.

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Today’s the Tomorrow We Talked About Yesterday

One day when my youngest daughter was four, she asked Mommy if she could have a lollipop. It was too late in the evening to let her have it though, so my wife told her she could have one the next day. Sure enough, our little one remembered the next day:

“Mom? Is it tomorrow?”

“Yes, today’s the tomorrow we talked about yesterday.”

It’s an off-the-cuff, but profound saying. “Today’s the tomorrow we talked about yesterday.” When you think about it, each of us is the product of our past choices and experiences. You are the person you are today because of the things you’ve gone through.

If you could go back and change something somewhere along the line…erase a mistake…capitalize on the knowledge you have now…you’d have a new set of experiences. You’d no longer be the person you are.

You are the person God knew you’d be at this point. He can, and (if you let Him) He will use you to do great things for His kingdom. All the mistakes, all the missed opportunities, along with all the high points, milestones, and celebrations…they helped shape who you are right now. Because of who you are, with your placement and background, there’s something that only you are equipped to do for God’s glory.

In the same way, the things you experience today will shape your tomorrow. This includes not only the things that happen to you, but the situations you place yourself into. The choices you make hold tremendous bearing over what will happen to your future. Make sure you’re making good ones.

Tomorrow will soon be here; will your future self be thankful for what you’re doing today?

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You Did That For Me?

Photo courtesy of wordsofreason.wordpress.com

Three or four years ago our family of five went to see my folks for Easter. It was the time of year when the winter’s cold was gone and the kids could finally get some time playing outside.

While we were all in their backyard one day, I told my wife and kids about some of the places I used to visit in the woods nearby when I was a kid. On the spur of the moment, we all decided to take a trip into the forest to have a look for ourselves.

Our kiddos have always enjoyed being in the woods, but most of the places we’ve taken them have had nice wide trails that make it easy to get around. There were no trails here, so we had to find our own way. Without really thinking too much about it, my plan was to bring them into the woods through one section, then bring them down to see some cool spots along the creek, and then start coming back up through a different area.

We got down to the creek, and I showed them an old well, then brought them to the spot where some of us slid down a natural waterslide and built dams as kids. I had a childhood friend whose dad loved golf; in order to work on his swing, he’d stand in his yard and drive old golf balls into the forest. As a kid, friends and I would come across some of these golf balls while playing in the woods; they were always in the same general area, so he must’ve had a consistent swing. J Now, with my own family in tow, I told my kids to keep an eye out for golf balls. Sure enough, we found at least one.

As we started heading back, I took them along an easy route I followed when I was younger. It’s a funny thing though, if you stay out of a forest for 10 or 15 years, you might be surprised at how much it changes while you’re gone.

We crossed back over the creek and started heading back up the hill. It started getting tricky, though, because in our path were numerous thorn bushes I didn’t remember running into before. We’d make some progress up the hill, only to run into a spot that was too thick for us to pass, so we’d have to scoot sideways or even come back down the hill some. There were spots where we could squeeze through, but I had to step on a few thorny branches and hold back others with one hand while my kiddos carefully passed through.

It’s not so bad when you’re tall enough to see over the thorn bushes, but when you’re only about three feet tall and Mom and Dad don’t seem to know where they’re going, it can be scary and even overwhelming. My kids started getting worried, even coming to the verge of tears, so I stopped being delicate with the thorns in order to move us along faster. Instead of grabbing them with just a finger and thumb, I pushed them aside and held them out of the way with the back of my hand so we could make wider openings and move toward our goal a little quicker.

It was slow going, but the kids hung in there and we finally made it out of the woods. As the panic subsided, the kids noticed that one of my hands had a surprising amount of blood on it. I didn’t have any bad cuts, but the thorns had scratched me enough that it caused the blood to start flowing. It looked much worse than it actually was, but my daughter was very concerned because of how much blood she saw. Through her eyes, all she knew was that Daddy was bleeding so that the rest of them could safely pass through the dangerous spots.

As we had approached Easter that year, we had been talking more frequently about the suffering Jesus endured aside from the cross. The beatings, the humiliation, the crown of thorns, the sheer indignity, and all sorts of other often-forgotten things are still part of the story. He was so weak from the beating and other types of suffering that He couldn’t even carry the cross, as the condemned often did. My wife voiced the connection, using our adventure as an object lesson. It’s like it clicked for my oldest daughter. He took my place. I escaped the suffering because someone else did it for me.

I don’t know where you are in life, or if you consider yourself a spiritual person. None of that changes the fact that Christ paid for the price of your admission into Heaven. You can’t earn it, you can’t pay your own way, and you can’t pay Him back. The only way to get into Heaven is to use the ticket He bought you. He bought tickets for everyone, but only a small percentage of people take Him up on the offer.

He’s holding out a ticket for you, and He wants you to take it. Will you accept it?

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Fatherhood Fun

I don’t know what it is about Dads, but we love to get our kids riled up. We know we shouldn’t  do it as much as we do, but we can’t help it sometimes. Daddies are the loud ones, the human jungle gyms, and the ones that tend to ratchet things up rather than down. Mommies are the soothers, the comforters, the ones the kids go to when something hurts (probably because of something Daddy did while roughhousing).

Since my kids were little, the basement has been the place where they could be loud. If they had too much sugar or they were just a little extra wound up, we’d banish them to the basement for awhile. When my two oldest kids were pretty young, one time I took them in the basement to work off some energy while Mommy got a little peace and quiet upstairs. My oldest daughter and my son loved when Daddy went a little crazy with them.

Around that time we came up with a game that was kind of like dodgeball. Back then our basement was set up so that as you came down the stairs, you pulled a U-turn and walked down a hallway to another room. Right across from the bottom of the stairs was another room. I’d go to the room at the far end of the hall and throw a ball at the wall near the bottom of the stairs while my kiddos ran back and forth between the two safe zones (the blind spot at the bottom of the stairs and the room across from it). It sounds kind of sadistic, but they loved it and they weren’t going to get hurt. I had a ball that was kind of scary because it was very loud when it hit the wall, so any time it “just missed” them, it was a big thrill for them because they had snuck past Daddy’s throw without getting hit. I pegged them plenty of times too, but it usually ended with lots of giggles. J

My kids weren’t very old at this point, probably about 5 and 3. They loved playing this game though, because this is where they learned to use teamwork to “distract” Daddy. One would feint, act like they were going to dash across the line of fire, but it was really just a trick to get Daddy to throw the ball while they were still safe, and then the other one would make a break for it before the ball bounced back to Daddy.

I’d try bouncing the ball off the hallway’s walls, or putting spin on the ball so that it still bounced after them even if they were in the safe zones. Naturally, the ball would get stuck on their side every now and then, but they’d peek out from behind their cover, pick it up, and throw it to me and dive back for cover before I could pick it up and throw it again.

Little dodgeball champions

One time my little guy picked it up and threw it to me, but then forgot to get back behind some cover. I gave him some warning and made a big show of winding up for a big throw, but he still wasn’t catching on that he was exposed. With all the gravity of a life-and-death situation, big sis dashed across the line of fire, knowing full well that Daddy was about to unleash a fastball. My little medal-of-honor-winner-in-training jumped behind him and grabbed him under his armpits, and then yanked him back to safety. He fell down on top of her in the process, with the ball narrowly missing both of them.

There are some things in the Bible that you just don’t fully appreciate unless you deal with young kids a lot. This story about my kids helps me better grasp one story in the book of Mark (10:17-31). A rich young ruler came up to Jesus and asked “what do I need to do to have eternal life?” This guy was probably a young ruler in the local synagogue, steeped in the legalism of the day. With his line of thinking he was essentially looking for some kind of religious deed he could perform that would guarantee his entry into Heaven. Although he was misguided, that didn’t make him insincere.

Jesus more or less told him “you know the deal…follow all the commandments…don’t murder, don’t commit adultery, don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t defraud, and honor your father and mother.”

While most of us at that point probably would have remembered at least one time in our lives where we told a lie or let Mom or Dad down, this guy had a different reaction.

“Yep, I’m good with all that. What else do I need to do?”

If you’re Jesus, and this guy has the nerve to say that to you, even if he believed it was true, what are you gonna be thinking?

Here’s the part that my kids helped me understand. “Jesus looked at him and loved him.”

Some translations might say that Jesus felt great compassion for him. I was truly moved to see my daughter sacrifice her safety for the sake of her little brother. The guy in the story was earnestly seeking the truth from Christ, but he didn’t know he was now playing in a different league. Like seeing my little guy standing in the line of fire without knowing he was in danger, Christ probably looked at this young man and thought to himself “Bless your little heart. You’re so clueless and you don’t even know it.”

There are lots of other fatherhood experiences where those words came to mind: “Jesus looked at him and loved him.” Christ had compassion both for people that were His followers and for people that were not. We’re called to do the same.

Who can you show compassion for today?

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Valentine’s Day Gift

Ever think about how you don’t need help getting into trouble? Ever notice how you don’t need to teach kids to do bad stuff? For example, did you show them how to lie, or did they just kind of figure that one out on their own?

My son has told us some lies before. These were like, blatant, totally unprompted lies. He’s a little more slick about it these days, but when he was just a little guy, he once said “I don’t have anything in my mouth” after he got into a bag of chips without our permission. His mouth was…you guessed it…full of chips! On another occasion he was supposed to be up in his room napping. When he came down, without us saying anything, he told us “I wasn’t looking out the window.”

Dude, at least make it hard for us.

Most of the time instructions and laws seem to be phrased in negative terms. “Don’t lie.” “Don’t cheat.” It’s much more rare to have laws that are positive in nature. Most of the Ten Commandments are the same way. Only two of them are phrased in the positive (remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy; respect your father and mother).

Elsewhere in the Bible God gives other instructions. Sometimes He says stuff that’s intuitive or obvious. Other times He tells us stuff that maybe we’ve heard or read a few times, but we still miss it even though it’s something we ought to know and need some help learning.

Valentine’s Day presents the opportunity to reflect on one such instruction.

In many marriages, you can ask the husband “does your wife love you?” Often he’ll answer “well, yeah, sure she does.” Probe a little further, though, and you might identify a problem. “Does she respect you?” The answer probably doesn’t come as quickly, and if he doesn’t feel as though his wife respects him, there could be an issue.

Hang on though, guys, ‘cuz you’re not perfect, either. Stick with me, there’s a Biblical basis for this. The opposite is often true for wives. She might feel sufficiently respected, but she might not quite feel loved. (There’s a difference between knowing you’re loved and feeling that you’re loved.)

Regardless of whether you’re a male or female breadwinner, “working all day just to put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads” is great, but isn’t the only thing your significant other needs from you.

If either one isn’t getting what they need, that person is running at an emotional deficit. Wives, maybe you respect your husbands, but he may not feel it. Husbands, of course you love your wives, but you need to make her know it and believe it. For everybody…your spouse needs what they need; just because you don’t feel like you require extra love/respect doesn’t mean they can go without it. Don’t cut them off from what they need just because you look at them through the prism of you.

Take a look at the book of Ephesians. In chapter 5, God tells us (in positive verbiage) what to do. He doesn’t give us a “don’t,” he gives us a “do.” These days the first part is easy to misconstrue as being outdated and part of the “toxic masculinity” you hear about in men’s razor commercials. Don’t twist it; read the whole thing. Right on the heels of talking about how to live with and treat other Christians, the author turns his attention to household relationships in verses 22-33.

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might [g]sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body, [h]of His flesh and of His bones. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Note how it doesn’t say “husbands, respect your wives,” or “wives, love your husbands.” Why not? Because most of the time, those things aren’t the shortfalls. We’re probably already doing them. This passage guides us to do something that doesn’t come naturally.

There’s a whole study on this topic called “Love and Respect” by Emerson Eggerichs. I’ve never read the book, but the DVD series was phenomenal. “Pink and Blue…not wrong…just different.” Great stuff for a small group setting or Sunday School class.

If you haven’t been offering what your spouse needs, and then you start providing it, watch how powerful an agent it can be. Flowers and chocolates are great and all, but how about this year, you make a concerted effort to deliver what your spouse or significant other really needs?

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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A Temporary or a Lasting Peace?

Our youngest child is at the stage where she still has bad dreams fairly often. She wakes up crying during the night, and my wonderful wife usually goes running into her room to try to settle her down before she wakes up anyone else in the house.

A few mornings ago my daughter woke up crying. I was already awake, laying in bed, when I heard the cry begin. I jumped out of bed before my wife started stirring, trying to return the favor. I went into my daughter’s room and told her “Daddy’s here now.” I brushed her hair out of her face, rubbed her shoulder, and kissed her cheek. She calmed down and we prayed, but she wasn’t settled. I stayed with her a little bit longer, and then went back to bed.

Laying there for a bit, it wasn’t long before I heard her little feet came walking into our room. But she didn’t come walking over to my side. She made a beeline right for Mommy. My wife talked and cuddled with her a little bit, then brought her back to bed and got her tucked and settled in, where she stayed for the rest of the night.

How many of us are like that? Whether we like to admit it or not, there’s a God-shaped hole in all of us. We’re restless until it’s filled. We try to fill the hole with different things…anything. For some it can be destructive things; alcohol, drugs, relationships that aren’t built to last, more serious types of crime, or even dark spiritual things. Others try to fill it with things that might be good, but don’t quite quench the thirst. Making more money, performing charity work, being very active in community groups, donating your time/energy/resources to civic or political causes you believe in, etc.

The problem is, those things are like Daddy trying to settle his daughter in for the night after a bad dream. They might serve as temporary solutions, but they don’t bring a peace that lasts.

To fill the God-shaped hole in your life, only Christ will satisfy.